A Relationship Guide: How We Generate the Good, the Bad and the Ugly


I assume you are reading this because you want more in your personal life. You may already be in a relationship, or you may be looking for a partner. Either way, you know that things could be way better on that front, if you only had a better approach. Of course, a better approach is always possible. And it starts here: If you want a good relationship, you work on the relationship; if you want a great relationship, you work on yourself.

That’s right! You don’t need to go to couple’s therapy to improve communication in your existing relationship. You can do that without involving your partner at all. And if you don’t have a partner but would like one, you don’t need to do online dating or go clubbing. You can just sit at home alone and the right partner will come.. You can become a magnet for love, relatedness and togetherness, as long as you master one single thing – solitude.

Learn to be with yourself first. For the key to being in a successful relationship is the absolute absence of the need to be in one in the first place. The more you can generate your own happiness internally, without anybody around you, the bigger your magnetic power to attract love. Conversely, the needier you are and the more you would like to be with someone to fulfil your needs, the more you repel love.

So who are you? Are you needy or are you independent? Do you get angry at your partner for not paying enough attention to you, for not respecting your privacy, your family, or your needs? Are you blaming them for not being supportive, for not making enough money, for not spending enough time with the kids? Do you resent them for not being interested in your feelings or your work, and not paying you compliments? If you have such needs and you expect your partner to fulfil them, you are quite simply being needy. Consequently, your neediness is repelling love. Understand that the relationship is the not the place to get all those things. You need to come with them into the relationship in order for it to be successful. And the only place where you can get all you needs met is within yourself. Only you can give you what you think you need. Importantly, for that to happen you have to learn to be alone, not needing anyone.

Explore your needs in solitude. Learn to be yourself. Learn to be with yourself. Take responsibility for meeting your own needs. You need to be loved? Love yourself. You need to be respected? Respect yourself. You need to be understood? Understand yourself. You need someone to take care of you? Take care of yourself. You need someone to respect your family? Respect your own family first. You need someone to spend time with your children? Spend time with them yourself. But please do make sure you are really present to your children instead of having an argument in your head with your partner over them not being present with the kinds.

Easier said than done? You bet! But you can do this. You owe it to yourself. Clean up your act. What are you doing when you are alone and no one is watching? Are you slacking, spending the day in pajamas and skipping the shower in the morning, binge-eating, drinking, getting angry, getting involved in gossip or wasting time on social media? Is this worthy of respect, love and admiration? Are you comfortable with your (potential) partner seeing you like that? Or are you rapidly going to hide that side of yours (i.e. the part of you that you yourself don’t love, respect and admire) when your partner comes in sight?

The point is, don’t wait for external motivation so you can act in a respectful, worthy way. Motivate yourself to act with integrity while in solitude. Rise to your highest standards when no one is watching. Generate your self-love and self-respect internally. Once you do that, you won’t need a partner to whisk away your insecurities for you won’t have them in the first place. You will be totally comfortable with who you are, and you won’t externalize any needy, touchy feelings. And then – magic happens. You can suddenly attract a person who vibrates on your level of awareness: someone with high integrity, comfortable with themselves, someone who doesn’t project their neediness and insecurities onto you. Now, how do you think your communication will go then? Would you need to pay for couple’s therapy? Would you argue much? Most likely, you will be on a totally different relationship planet, the one called ‘Bliss and Ease’. And most importantly, you will have achieved this by working on yourself only, in solitude. Indeed, all you need in order to find love and relatedness is to find yourself first.